I love your wordchoice, and of course, the imagery you bring to mind. Great job.

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~firesaber16985 *bakabaka

-~It ain't over until the fat lady sings, and I just slit the bitch's throat.~-

I lov the imagery

like deviation. bah. thats a load of crap. how about am in awe and wonder of deviation . a lovely addition to your gallery. wow. yes this one is amazing -- so touching and as usual your imagery is more than enough to satisfy the seemingly insatiable hunger for sightless vision... *adds to favorites*

ah alas you never fail to amaze me.

you use of imagery here is just amazing. each line...wait...each WORD had this esquisite feel to it, which caused the poem to be even more moving and MORE touching.

"But still we fell, over colorless rocks
That shot skyward like sun worshippers"

that line hit me the most. i think it was how you said "but still we fell" and then "shot skyward" i dont know why but i really really really liked that. you have taken the simplist words and mixed them with the complicated to form this amazing variety of emotions. i only had this one thing that stood out that kinda bugged me (no offense of course):

"Ripples of ice water against thirsty skin
Yet chilling to the skin so that more"

i wasnt really into the whole saying skin twice, it was too close together and sounded a little out of place. but it wasnt too bad once i read it again.

your amazing.

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I like it. Of course there's a 'but' attached, though. The word 'tumultuousness' seems problematic to me for two reasons: it really gives the cadence a bad break with the sudden infusion of a 5-syllable word among a raft of two and three syllables. Breaking cadence isn't a bad thing and can often be quite effective where it hightens tension, or begins a descent. I can't figure out what it's doing here. The other reason it bothers me it that there are just too many 's's in that line and the one that follows. Alliteration is also good, but can be overbearing, especially when you have so much sibilance in such a small space (see?). It trips the tongue.

All this boils down to is this: I recommend you change 'tumultuousness' to some other word. One without an S or C. Which happen to be my initials.

But don't forget that I said I like this poem. I really do.

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When you keep getting pelted with shitballs, you gotta get youself a shit-bat.

I love the imagery in this piece. You have a gift for bringing the words to life. Just one tiny thing that I would change.. I, personally, have a thing against similies.. I really prefer metaphors.. as a matter of fact I work incredibly hard to avoid the word "like". But as I said, that is just me, and my thing.. I still think this was a great work.

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Nyk

Check out ~ekg His words weave the mundane into magick..
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Member of ~dark-writing

\"I Tell You: One must still have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star!\" ~ Nietzsche